The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
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I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
My birthstone is a marshmallow.