Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

[1999]

“y2k” making us anxious

[2019]

“k” making us anxious

Autocarrot sucks!

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.

Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?

Him: Yes.

Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

Namaste

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back