The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
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My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.