Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

new career option?

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

Duck typos.

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.