The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
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My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
