The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
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If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Matthew was born for this.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…