The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
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People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
broke down and did it
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”