The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
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Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.