The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
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If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products