The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
You Might Also Like
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Is your wife single?
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne