The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
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“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go