Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

some cats are just doing for fun!

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

kids play hide and seek like

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

Dune (2021)

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

The opposite of Iceland is water water

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm