The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
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I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
mom had nothing to worry about
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
tag yourself
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
And now we wait
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*