Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.