The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

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Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.


Kids today with their $50 haircuts. Mom cut our hair & knew two styles: Pete Rose & Charlie Brown.


I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.


If this van’s a rocking it’s only cuz I practice karate in my van.


I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.


[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*


3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob


Couldn’t eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.


They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness