The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
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My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy