Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
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Kids today with their $50 haircuts. Mom cut our hair & knew two styles: Pete Rose & Charlie Brown.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
If this van’s a rocking it’s only cuz I practice karate in my van.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Couldn’t eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness