The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
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Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
The two types of wives
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I hope it’s French Onion!
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.