The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
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Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Me: Why are you in my bed?
8: It’s definitely not because there are crumbs in mine.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”