The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
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I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.