The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
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my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
They’re on their honeymoon
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Limited budget
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.