The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
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Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
what
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.