The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
