Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.

Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.