The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
![]()
You Might Also Like
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
![]()
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
![]()
![]()
![]()
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
buys donuts instead
![]()
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.