The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
