The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
