Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

Arrest that man!

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.