Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

Cat: *purr*

Me: Good morning!

Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*

Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!

Cat: *kneads me* *purr*

Me: Yes, I love you too!

Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”

If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

Stop the Internet. I want to get off.

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.