The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
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3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Me irl
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!