The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
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it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Finally!
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
My Sentiments Exactly
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done