The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
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A little too much information.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
me refusing to leave twitter
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.