THE DOG😭😭💀
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geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me