THE DOG😭😭💀
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I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
analogies are so stupid
“the same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the potato” I’m not an egg or a potato and I don’t know how this applies to me. I’m just trying to get laid
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Jus’ sayin. 😐
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Look at this
In banana years, I am bread.