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Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid