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You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
are they though??
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit