THE DOG😭😭💀
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4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
*orders delivery*
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
crazy
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap