THE DOG😭😭💀
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Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Good morning
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
dam girl
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
shakira sharkira
