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Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
sugar glider wrangler
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!