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I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
Breaking news:
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.