The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
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kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.