Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill