The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
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Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Now who done made this a sport lmao
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme