Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL

Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.

Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9