The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
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I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes