The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
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“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands