The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
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Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths