Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

Rather alarming headline…

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex

BABY:

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.