The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
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[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.