The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
is this how new cars are made??
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
