Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

Camping tip: No.

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

I wish this was real life…

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

The Book. The Movie.

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.