the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
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YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Spell check is for lasers.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Encore…
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding