the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
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RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
A short story about romance.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.