Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic

The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath