Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything