The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
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Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
knights of the ikea table
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder