The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
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I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Said the murderer.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
every. time.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.