The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
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the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Something Saturday.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
a McRib killed my tapeworm
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
So glad we cleared that up
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.