Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

79.

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out