Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

You don’t even know

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

🤣🤣

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese