The dogs are drawn by their screams.
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As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.