Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!