Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

My Indian name is dances without coordination.

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?

Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.

I know that now.

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.