the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
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*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
A woman drives into a bar.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale