the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
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I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.