Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.

being a writer on Twitter:

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.

date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in

am i cooked

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

Me: I’ll have a medium coffee

Barista: That’ll be $3.95

Me: With a splash of almond milk

Barista: That’ll be $17.95

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

me: whatcha guys watching?

10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie

The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao