Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

Shift.

I meant SHIFT!

Oh god.

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

[Hospital]

Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*