Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you

Me: ooh, what am I wearing

Killer:

Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

Showerkraut

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

Inside you there are two wolves

I believe the plural is “milves.”

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science