The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
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We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid