The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
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Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
i wish i could marry a nap
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.