The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
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Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]