The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
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“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Basketball games are very squeaky.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES