Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this

The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

This is my emotional support knife.

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

Finally!

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

#Caturday