The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
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[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up