The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
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Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
son: *counts to ten*
wife: good job
me: (smugly) eleven
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?