The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
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Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
stop
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live