The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
You Might Also Like
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
We’ve all been there
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
Google Pay be like:
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.