Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

Good morning

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

this… may be the greatest story ever told

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

“YOLF!”

– immortals, probably

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!

Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower